The Looking Glass

Monday Morning Musing # 5

“Other people’s defenses look unreasonable only because you can’t see their memories”
-Unknown

From time to time I will jot down quotes that resonate with me in my Blackberry.  Sometimes I remember to note the author and at other times I do not. In the case of the above quote, unfortunately I did not. However, the quote remains valid and powerful.

Source: NYDailyNews.com

It is indeed true that others' defenses appear unreasonable to us. In most cases, such is true because we naturally view their defenses, flaws and expectations through the lenses of our own life. We make hasty decisions about the intentions of others based upon how we would respond. In fact, observing our personal thoughts and how we perceive others can serve as a looking glass into the depths of our own psyche.

Think of situation in which you jumped to an erroneous conclusion about a simple matter. It’s happened to all of us. Or, perhaps there was a time that you assumed that your partner committed a particular action in ill-will. If we take a closer look at our thought processes around our assumptions, we will likely find that the assumption had more to do with our defenses and less with the person’s intentions.

Our defenses derive from places of pain, hurt and insecurities. We all have them (and some more than others). The memories of our lives create a backdrop that often influences not only the way we see ourselves, but the way by which we see others. Our defenses, albeit counterproductive at times, are mechanisms that influence every aspect of our lives.

The Take Away Point for this Week

Sometimes, in efforts to learn about others on a deeper level, we must initiate conversation about the story behind the defenses.  This week examine the way in which you view others’ defenses.  Take a little time to get to know that person on another level. Their story, just as yours, are rich and full of setbacks and achievements.

Then, take a step back and look at your own defenses. What are you most afraid of? How do you respond when you are afraid? How are those defenses communicated to others? I believe you’ll find that we all have our stuff, which is why grace is in order when dealing with others. Shall we agree to extend a bit of grace this week?

Here’s to a splendid week! ‘Til next time… être bien!

DISCLAIMER:  I recognize that “defenses” is a broad term that, for many, can include abusive behaviors. I am by NO means encouraging anyone to entertain such behavior. No one should tolerate abuse under any circumstance.  For help: 1.800.799.SAFE
(7233)

A Victim of Singleness?

Your state of victimization did this to cupid!

As a single person, I have come to realize that we often create a persona of victimization in our minds. It's clearly evidenced in our conversations from day-to-day concerning our financial situation and personal life, among other topics. My experience and conversations with other singles has taught me that we often view our singleness as a form of punishment or purely unfair. It is indeed true that there are factors that may contribute to one's singleness, especially among African Americans. This is a fact. But, do those factors qualify a single person as a victim? Say it with me, "I am not a victim of my singleness". However, seeing yourself as a victim can certainly result in remaining single.

Americans have historically adopted the idea of 2.5 kids and a house with a white picket fence as the American Dream. Though not often stated in the cliche, the dream historically includes the institution of marriage. This dream, as we know it, is evolving (in both negative and positive fashion). However, as evidenced by the growing number of matchmakers (websites and professionals), singles still desire to get married. Let's face it, who wants to grow old alone?

The manner in which one views himself as a single person can have a profound effect on how long they remain single. I say "some", because I do not feel that it is every person's fate to marry (though singles do not want to accept this fact). If one decides to see himself as a victim in singleness, he/she must also accept the fact that they are seeking to be rescued (a recipe for disaster in any marriage). For example,  a single woman may consider her life to be hard and unfair because she has to carry my own groceries into the house or get her own oil changed in her car. This very attitude has a direct effect on how she presents herself to a potential mate. Her displeasure and discontentment with the tasks associated with her own life will paint a vivid picture in any man's mind. All it takes is a couple of conversations.

Men are not exempt. A man  may see his life as less than convenient because he doesn't have a woman to put a meal on the table every night. In turn, he stands the risk of appearing chauvinistic and  lazy to a potential wife, thus reducing his chances to get to know her. The aforementioned examples are minor (and perhaps trivial), but they are indicative of further-reaching situations that we often use to validate our state of victimization.

Being single is not a curse. In fact, one can choose to see it as a gift. Notice that I say, "choose". In order to do so, I believe one must consciously commit to not comparing his/her life as a single to the life of a married person. There will always be advantages to both marital status. When  the time comes, those advantages and disadvantages can be enjoyed or suffered accordingly. In the meantime, I say enjoy the life you have because, 1) tomorrow's not promised and 2) life can change so quickly that today's hopes can become tomorrow's reality.

Celebrate love today!

‘Til next time…être bien!

The Stand

Monday Morning Musing #4

Happy Monday! I recently received a very pleasant (birthday) gift. Among the items included in the package was a cd entitled, The Floacist presents Floetic Soul, a recent release by Natalie Stewart, the other half of Grammy-nominated (and recently dissolved) duo, Floetry . The cd provides diverse musical musings on topics ranging from love to inspiration to achieve life's goals. 

Track number 12, The Stand,  has become the anthem for my morning pep rally. I feel inclined to share it with you. Perhaps it will motivate you this week...

The Stand

Lyrics

To life
Why are you afraid what you gonna do?
Scared that you may change, isn’t that the truth?
Who are you to say? You’re not gonna win
How’d you ever know if you just give in?
Tell me how will you know? How will you know?
If you just give in, tell me how you’ll grow?
Stand up, you better stand up, come on, every time you fall down
Stand up, stand up, even if you’re small
You can stand tall, come on, come on, yeah
Believe in yourself or who’s gonna?
If you never dream for yourself then who’s gonna?
How you gonna do for yourself, how you gonna … ? 
You know you have to prove it to yourself so you’re gotta
Gotta make a change rearrange if you wanna
Make it to the top is a short day you got it
Is a spotlight all for you but to bring it
Bring an A game 18 cause you want it, stand up
Stand up, come on

What you gonna do, what you gonna do?
You’ll just have to choose, choose, where you wanna go, where you wanna go?
What is there to loose, yeah
How you gonna move, how you gonna move?
If you won’t stay, stay, how you gonna flow? If you’re in your way

Tell me, why do you delay? Why do you delay?

And what you got to say? Say
It’s gonna be ok, stand up, you better stand up, come on now, every time you fall down
Stand up, stand up, even if you’re small, even if you’re small
You can stand tall, I’m feeling you

Believe in yourself or who’s gonna?
If you never dream for yourself then who’s gonna?
How you gonna do for yourself, how you gonna … ? 
You know you have to prove it to yourself so you’re gotta
Gotta make a change rearrange if you wanna
To the top is a short day you got it
Spotlight all for you gotta bring it
Bring your A game 18 if you want it, 
Believe in yourself or who’s gonna?
If you never dream for yourself then who’s gonna?
How you gonna do for yourself, how you gonna … ? 
You know you have to prove it to yourself so you’re gotta
Change rearrange if you want it
To the top is a short day if you got it
Spotlight all for you gotta bring it
A game 18 if you want it.
Stand up, come on, stand up.

Natalie "The Floacist" Stewart © FREE SUM Music Publishing/BMI

‘Til next time…être bien!

The Beautiful Burden

It's not Monday...I know. Work with me...lol
Monday Morning Musing #3

It sounds like an oxymoron, but it's true, you have such beautiful burdens.  They fill your life with direction, passion and purpose, but only if you allow them to. What is it that captivates your heart? What do you lose sleep over at night?  What is it that seethes within you and calls you to action? Is there something that you feel others "just don't get" about you? Chances are those are the beautiful burdens of your life that seek to lead you. 

From  a very young age, I have always been burdened by the emotional suffering of others, especially as it relates to family systems.  It bothered me to see children raised in inadequate and insufficient environments. I was deeply disturbed by the growing absenteeism of fathers and overwhelming disengagement plaguing the marriages that I witnessed. Though I couldn't fully understand all of the consequences of such situations, there was a visceral response that prompted me to action. I knew I couldn't save the entire world, but if I could simply take time to listen to a friend talk about  the effects of their parents' divorce or encourage a teenage mother (and friend) to still pursue her dreams, I felt like I was lessening my burden.

In fact, the burden remains to this day. Albeit refined, enhanced and deepened, I am still burdened by the emotional suffering of others. I am sure my decision to become a Marriage and Family therapist came as no surprise to others. Nor was it a surprise to me because it the burden never left. The seasons have changes, people have expired and life has shifted but the burden has been constant. I have learned to embrace it and doing so has led me into wholeness in many aspects of my life.

I share this information with you in hopes that it will quicken you to give attention to the things that bother you most.  Perhaps, your burdens are calling you to a beautiful life filled with purpose and joy. This week spend a little time meditating on the thoughts, feelings and convictions that have remained throughout your life. I'd love to hear about your experience. Here's a few questions to get you started...


1. What is the one thing that angers me more that anything else?


2. What do I feel inclined to do even when I don't have the time, energy or resources?


3. What action, task or decision have I struggled with taking/making for over one year?


‘Til next time…être bien!


Update: I haven't forgotten about "The Laws of Adulthood".    A recent occurrence prompted my to revise the post.  Don't fret... it's coming. Thanks for your inquiries (and keeping me on my toes).

Specialization of Self

Monday Morning Musing #2

There’s only one you. There are no duplicates.  There is no other original. After you were created the mold was broken. No one can do what you do in the way that you do it. You are incredibly fantastic and uniquely created for a distinct purpose.  One should consider this exciting news!

In a world filled with copy-cats, imitators and insecurity, I consider it to be of great importance to honor the exclusivity of mankind.  We are phenomenal when we operate at our full potential. One of the greatest privileges of being human is that each day we have the opportunity to specialize in the science of self-improvement.  In my opinion, as Americans, we often miss the mark on this practice. Our focus is often thwarted by specializing in selfishness which is not the practice that I am referencing.   Instead, I am encouraging you to tap into the power of becoming your own competitor. 

When we learn to compete against ourselves, we learn a valuable and motivating practice that resides in every achiever.  Who else could adequately serve as your competition?  The truth is, competing against another uniquely created human being can only happen within improper context.  It is likening to the apples to oranges adage; both are fruit but their properties are uniquely distinct.  An apple can’t become a better orange, nor can you become a better Sharon, Hassan or Maria. Yet, when we become a fierce competitor against ourselves we learn to beat our personal best.  We begin to stretch our abilities outside of their comfort zone into greatness.  Though we will never fully arrive on this Earth (my opinion), we sure can move major mountains and affect real world change while we’re here. 

Specializing in you requires courage, perseverance and confidence.  It is a call to prioritization of matters of importance.  It is a call to embrace who you are and every drop of greatness that resides within in you.  So, this week choose to officially “do you”. Why? Because no one does it better!

‘Til next time…être bien!